Once long ago, in a story far, far away, Prince Elmer was kidnapped by the Evil Sorcerer Badabingbadabangbadaboom. Prince Elmer was the middle child of 42 children of the Caliph and his numerous wives, and perhaps not the brightest of the Lydian Electrum coins in the Caliph’s treasury. But that is a story for another day.

The prince was cast into a deep hole which the local yokels called the Cave of Wonders. The name fits because if one got stuck in there, one would wonder how the heck you could ever get out! The prince was left there and forgotten. 

It was dark on the ninth day when the prince awoke (he slept a lot in those days). So, he was forced to crawl around to continue his search for an exit until his hands touched something metal … smooth yet etched or scratched along the edges. As he continued to rub the object, the ground shook and the echo in the cave was deafening. A strange golden light began to appear, revealing the metal object was an oil lamp. The light grew brighter and red smoke billowed out of the lamp. A huge golden creature with a turban on its head took shape.

“Whew! You got any idea how confining that little lamp is? Wow! I gotta find a bathroom and a toothbrush!”

“Who are you?” a startled Elmer stuttered.

“I’m a genie and I got trapped in that lamp in 343 BC in Maghreb.”

“A what-ee?”

“A genie. You have a hearing problem, Bub? Why don’t you call me Gene?”

“What’s a genie? Are you a ghost, Gene? How did you get stuck in that lamp? How long have you been in there? What did you eat in that lamp? Was it hot in there? Wasn’t it really cramped inside? Could you hear through the sides of the lamp? Did you have to float in the lamp’s oil?”

Gene slowly shook his head as he said, “Hold the rein on your camel, Sport! Apparently, you have a hearing problem and were never allowed to talk much at home. I think I need a drink – got any wine or something stronger?”

Prince Elmer became silent.

Gene sighed deeply and recited part of his history. “The Cave of Wonders was the resting place of the lamp because only a person of kind heart and noble mind would be able to gain access to it, thus helping to prevent this nigh unlimited power from falling into the wrong hands.” Gene opened his eyes and took in Elmer’s appearance, then added, “Well, there must be another reason. Maybe a lot more reasons.”

“Did Aladdin trap you in that little lamp?”

“Speak up, Sonny. After all these years, my hearing ain’t what it used to be.”

“I said ‘Did Aladdin trap you in that little lamp?’” Elmer yelled as he cupped his hands together.

“Al who? Nah, I was at a blowout wingding at the Grand Palace of the Caliph. I got drunk on some special wine imported from Damascus, then switched to some psychedelic ‘shrooms from China. I screwed up and made some comment about the Caliph’s daughter.”

“What did you say about her?”

“I said you could land a flying carpet on her big butt in a high wind without a problem. For some reason, the Caliph took exception to that and trapped me in that little oil lamp. Anyway, since you have freed me from the lamp, I will grant you three wishes.”

Gene unrolled a long and flowing papyrus manuscript written in an unknown Arabic tongue. He cleared his throat and put on ancient reading glasses, “Well, here are the rules. Rule #1 … No raising the dead.” Gene lowered the papyrus and said, “GEEZ that gives me the willies to even think about it.” He shivered as he continued, “Rule #2 … No making people fall in love.” Gene whispered in Elmer’s ear, “And confidentially, after what I’ve seen in centuries past, you are better off avoiding that wish like the Plague of Justinian.” 

Gene loudly cleared his throat and continued, “Rule #3 … No killing people cuz I ain’t no Perry Mason to act as your defense attorney. Finally, Rule #4 … No wishing for more wishes. Let’s not get greedy, boys and girls.”

Prince Elmer pondered the many possibilities running through his mind. “Well, I could wis …”

“Whoa, Nellie! Stop right there, Bub! If you say the word ‘w-i-s-h’, it will count. So be careful!”

“Thanks for the warning,” Elmer said as his brow furrowed and he tapped his temple. A little lightbulb went on over his head (You know how that goes) and he smiled. “I’m ready for my first wish, Gene. Gene? Where are you?”

“Oh, sorry. I found a jug of 300-year-old wine against the wall under old armor. Hey, I got thirsty after all those years. You ready?”

“I wish to trade places with the Evil Sorcerer Badabingbadabangbadaboom.”

“Good wish,” Gene replied. “The sorcerer will be stuck in here, and you will be in a bathing pool filled with beautiful women.”

POOF!

Prince Elmer watched dozens of women screaming and running from the waters as he splashed around the huge pool. “I could get used to this,” Prince Elmer remarked with a grin. “For my second wish, I wish to be surrounded by all the gold in the Caliph’s treasury!”

POOF!

Elmer struggled to breathe while gold crushed against him from every side. He gasped as he finally escaped to the side of the pool and crawled out. He turned and gasped again when he saw the water in the pool had been replaced by gold coins, sticks, and bars.

“You didn’t think that one through, did ya, Sport,” Gene announced as he shook gold from his chalvar trousers, silken vest, and his long beard. Gene took off his khussa slippers and poured gold coins from them. “You should be very careful now. You only have one wish left.”

Prince Elmer sat on the pool’s edge for hours, thinking about that last wish. Gene found seven more wine amphoras and fell asleep after the sixth one. Prince Elmer stood up and triumphantly announced, “I’ve got it! I wish the Dallas Cowboys to win the next five Super Bowls!”

Gene awoke and roared with laughter. “Elmer, my boy, I’m good but nobody … I mean NOBODY … is that good! They can’t even win the next one! Try again, kiddo.”

Prince Elmer continued to sit on the edge of the pool. Hours passed, then well into the next day, his stomach began to loudly growl. He realized he had not eaten in three days. He rubbed his belly and softly said, “I wish I had a piece o’ …”

POOF!

The pool suddenly was filled with baked bread unfamiliar to Prince Elmer. It was covered with a thick, hot tomato sauce, chopped olives, onions and peppers, sausage slices, and many cheeses.

THAT, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how pizza was created. 

Postscriptum #1: By the time Elmer had eaten his way out of the pool, he weighed close to 550 pounds.

Postscriptum #2: Gene became the first genie in history to be fitted with hearing aids the following week.